Mental hospital phone menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.  

Please select from the following options menu:  

If you are  obsessive-compulsive, press 1   repeatedly.  

If you are  co-dependent,  please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  

If you are  paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.  

If you are  delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.  

If you are  schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.  

If you are  manic-depressive, hang up. It  doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.  
 
If you are  dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.  

If you are  bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
But please wait for the beep.  

If you have  short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  

If you have  low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with you.  

If you are  menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.