The Value of a  Drink

‘Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  ashamed.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and  all of their hopes
and dreams … If  I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams  would be shattered.  
Then I say to  myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come  true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
~ Jack  Handy

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell  
happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are  tougher,   smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.
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‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’
~  Henny Youngman

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH  you.
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’24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?   I  think not.’
~ Stephen Wright  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can  sing.
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‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to  heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!’
~ Brian  O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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‘Beer  is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’
~ Benjamin  Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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‘Without  question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel  does
not go nearly as well with pizza.’
~ Dave Barry  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and  over again that you love them.
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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a  can!
~ Dave  Howell

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse  with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff  Clavin, of  Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the  BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it  went:
‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of  buffalo can  only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when   the  herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest  ones at  the back that are killed first This natural selection  is good  for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole  group keeps improving by the regular  killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can  only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know,  kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain  cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the  weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not