I’ve just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your fucking will power’
A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says ‘would you like a screw for that mirror’ No she said ‘but I’d suck your cock for a lawn mower’.
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex…………Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ‘ finish off on her face ‘ didn’t mean ‘ What I thought it did ‘
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ‘ sorry about the wait ‘ I said ‘ don’t worry fatty, you’ll lose it eventually ‘
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets & says ‘ if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ‘ if you can guess how many are in there you can have both of them ‘…………….Murphy says ‘Four!’
Marriage counsellor to couple. ‘ Tell me something both of you have in common ‘ Husband after a long awkward silence ‘ Well neither of us sucks cock ‘
Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ‘ she’ll be fucking lucky with a face like that!’
I have a new chat up line that works every time. it doesn’t matter how gorgeous and out of my league they are, it’s a winner & I always end up in bed with them…………… ‘ Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’
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