Fun with Puns

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
-The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
-It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
-I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here. I’ll go on a head.”
-I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said ‘No change yet’.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.