Rules for a Happy Life

-Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bast ard’s name.
– Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines…especially the ‘whooshing’ sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help ‘groups’?
-Is there another word for ‘synonym’?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for ‘thesaurus’?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can’t push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with ‘or die’.
-When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously not understood the danger you are in