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I Just Love The Irish Approach

May 28, 2012 by Leave a Comment

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretched limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said. “The wife says it’s okay.”

“I’ll paint ya in da nude alright, but I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.”………………..

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Rules for a Happy Life

March 8, 2012 by Leave a Comment

-Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bast ard’s name.
– Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines…especially the ‘whooshing’ sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help ‘groups’?
-Is there another word for ‘synonym’?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for ‘thesaurus’?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can’t push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with ‘or die’.
-When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously not understood the danger you are in

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Growing old, kicking and screaming

February 28, 2012 by Leave a Comment

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks
‘No, I can remember it..’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’

‘ Twelve thirty..’

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

Spread the stupidity

January 18, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Precise Mathematics

January 5, 2012 by Leave a Comment

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh!t
and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Assorted funny quotes

January 3, 2012 by Leave a Comment

“ The idea of an office is great. It gives a person a place to escape the miseries of home”. – Milton Berle

“Organised people are just people who are too lazy to look for things”.

“Im very organised, everything is in one big pile”. – Duck and cover

“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to have to see you every day”. –Ephemera

“Due to the highly confidential natire of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing”.

“My soul was removed to make way for all this sarcasm”. – duck and cover

“Death is lifes way of telling you you’re fired”. – R. Geis

“I’m ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is ready for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter”. – W. Churchill

“when I was a boy, the dead sea was only sick”. – G. Burns

“ I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face”.- H. Hill

“I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if im not there I carry on as usual”. – Patrick Moore

“my mother is no spring chicken, although she has as many chemicals in her as one”. -Dame Edna

“old people should not eat health foods, they need all the preservatives they can get”. – R. Orben

“youth is a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children”. – G, B. Shaw

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Australian Bush Etiquette

November 2, 2011 by Leave a Comment

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman It can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the firrst date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back.. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends..
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way…
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Duz tha speak Yorkshire

October 24, 2011 by Leave a Comment

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”

Vet: “Is it a tom?”

Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”
……………………………………………………………………

A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”

Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”

Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”
……………………………………………………………………

A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words “She were thine” engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it’s been engraved “She were thin”.
He explodes: “‘ells bells man, you’ve left the blood y “e” out, you’ve left the blood y “e” out!”
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: “There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you”.
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

“E, she were thin”.
……………………………………………………………………

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist “Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?”
Chemist replies “Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”

……………………………………………………………………

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called “e by gum”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

Divorce versus Murder

July 21, 2011 by Leave a Comment

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

“I’d like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Health-related, The Gender Wars

The harmonica

July 18, 2011 by Leave a Comment

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica”.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex, The Gender Wars

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