The Gravedigger – Page 12

Golf and Whisky

June 27, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked:
‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I am Scottish and I am a golfer,’ said the old fellow: ‘and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that’s it.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’
‘Who said my Dad died?’
The doctor was amazed.
‘You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. how old is he?’
He is 100 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer. ‘In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor said, ‘that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Grandad is dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asked, ‘You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He is 118 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin’ because he is getting married today.’

At this point the doctor was close tolosing it. ‘Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old Scotsman want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Three blondes

June 20, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said,”Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,”All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. “The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Murphy

June 5, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Muphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decides to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he heads off to Paris.

After a satisfactory week of negotiations, he decides to visit a crowded small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sits enjoying himself, a beautiful young Parisian girl comes to his table and asks if she may use the spare chair, as there is nowhere else to sit.

Murphy doesn’t speak a word of French but understands by her gestures, and invites her to join him.

That being the extent of Murphy’s sign language, they soon revert to drawing on a napkin to communicate. He draws a picture of a glass of wine and shows it to her. She nods, so he orders a glass of wine for her. That goes so well that he soon draws a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nods. They leave the bistro and find a quiet cafe that features a small group playing romantic music.

They order dinner, after which he takes another napkin and draws a picture of a couple dancing.

She nods and they get up to dance. They dance until the cafe closes and the band is packing up. Back at their table the young lady takes a napkin and draws a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

Honest Answer

June 3, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

An Oklahoma Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driverâ€™s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. “Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?”

The driver replied, ” Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot.”

The officer looked at the driver and asked, “Anything else?”

“Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat.”

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn’t, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver’s face and said “Mr. Smith, you’re carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

“Not a ***king thing!”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Gender battle assortment

May 19, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection,
please don’t get an erection …
but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I
had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said “You’re pulling my leg”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually
a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in
her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that Iâ€™m a stalker.
Well, sheâ€™s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Whatâ€™s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Oneâ€™s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I’ve been table ended and backskuttled
a few times too.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband youâ€™re always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says â€œwhat do you expect, youâ€™re in a wheel chair.â€

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex, The Gender Wars

When I Say I’m Broke, I’m Broke!!

May 11, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…

”Go away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open…

”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor Tagged With: door-to-door salesman joke, old lady joke

Old people texting

May 3, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

SENIORS TEXTING CODE :

ATD.. At The Doctors.
BFF.. Best Friend Fell.
BTW.. Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT.. Bring Your Own Teeth.
FWIW.. Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL.. Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA.. Got Heartburn Again.
IMHO.. Is My Hearing-Aid On.
LMDO.. Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR.. On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG .. Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU…. Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up.
TTYL.. Talk To You Louder.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor Tagged With: old people texting funny things, sms jokes

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman

April 29, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.”

A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha!” he thought “No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. “Man this is great” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your Willie is under your pillow.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars Tagged With: funny gender jokes

No wonder he was so smart

April 29, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor Tagged With: albert einstein joke