Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our fishing club last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: “Where do women have the curliest hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erec tion, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re crazy
-I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a b#tch.
-There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
-I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
-You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

1 // I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

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3 // Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4 // I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

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9 // I’ve run away to join a different circus.

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
-The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
-It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
-I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here. I’ll go on a head.”
-I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said ‘No change yet’.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.