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It’s hell to be old

March 12, 2010 by Leave a Comment

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

The Program

March 1, 2010 by Leave a Comment

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day theres a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely, ” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”
He lost 33 kilos that week.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

The first blonde guy joke?

February 26, 2010 by Leave a Comment

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke…… And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘ Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too..’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars Tagged With:

Grandparents

February 24, 2010 by Leave a Comment

I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I’d applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

“Who was THAT?”

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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

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A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

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Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

——————————————————————————————

My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

Smart Ass

February 18, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Two youngish businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opened new store, in New York.

As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet you that any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask us what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you guys selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes mate.”

Without skipping a beat, the old Bloke said … “Must be doing well… Only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them!

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

Bottle of wine

February 17, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.’

Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to
drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with them.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Teacher arrested in New York

February 15, 2010 by Leave a Comment

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle.’

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physiques will follow.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Death in the family

February 14, 2010 by Leave a Comment

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, “whatever’s the matter, pet?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning, I got a “phone call saying that my mother had passed away”.

The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says “There, there. Look, why don’t you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest”.

“Thanks, boss, but I think I’ll be better off here” says the blonde. “I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work”.

Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.
When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. “Are you sure you’re OK?” he asks her. “No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too”.

Filed Under: Black Humour / Death, Email Joke Graveyard

Older women are so reasonable

February 13, 2010 by Leave a Comment

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl”.

Now, I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

New couple

February 12, 2010 by Leave a Comment

A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.

Devastated, the man waits by his wife’s bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman’s condition does not change. The man fears the worst.

One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife’s breast as it had been ages since he’d had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.

The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: “Sir, that’s absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I’ll wait outside the room until you’re done”

So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?

The man looks at the doctor “Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked… and now she’s gone.” The doctor asks “But… how is that possible?” The man replies “She choked…”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

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