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A woman’s week at the gym

July 16, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if Bono had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Health-related

Speeding

July 15, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me…..

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

When a woman lies

July 12, 2009 by Leave a Comment

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?” The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble

“Is this your thimble ?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.” Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars Tagged With: ,

Ponderisms

July 10, 2009 by Leave a Comment

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

“Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address ?????

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Fireman

June 24, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: ‘That’s a lovely fire engine,’ he says admiringly.

‘Thanks,’ says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little colleague,’ says the fire-fighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.’

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says:

‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a f@cking siren, would I?’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids

Top Four Adult Jokes

June 19, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221…’
———————————————————————————————–

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’
————————————————————————————————

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
‘What’s wrong, Bill ?’ she asked.
‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer ?’
‘Oh, Bill , you didn’t’ s he exclaimed.
‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill , what happened?’

‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill . I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh…she got fired too.’
———————————————————————————–
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’
‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’
‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

I just love the irish…

June 3, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?”

“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year
old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

“Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”

“Fook off you liar!”.

“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”

“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic, Sex Tagged With:

Yet another Irish Joke

June 2, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, ‘ I can’t be bothered to walk all dat way.’

‘I know,’ says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last Bus home. ”We could steal a bus from the depot,’ Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’

Paddy shouts back, ‘I can’t find a No. 91’

‘Oh holy lord , ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic Tagged With: ,

Irish Sausages

May 30, 2009 by 1 Comment

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic Tagged With: ,

Drafting Guys over 60

May 19, 2009 by Leave a Comment

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.

They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35. 

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. 

 Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. 

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! 
 I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. 

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.
Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b…. 

If  captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.  I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way. 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.

The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. 

***How about recruiting Women over 50 …with PMS??? !!!   You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! 

If nothing else, put us on border patrol….we  will have it secured the first night! 

Share this with your senior friends. It’s purposely in big type so they can read it. 

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Military

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