Customer:     ‘I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries. Can you help?’.
Operator:     ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’.
Customer:     ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator:     ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.
—————————————————————————————————————–
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. ‘Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.
———————————————————————-
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?’
Operator:      ‘ Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?’
———————————————————————-
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
‘If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
———————————————————————-
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.
Operator:            ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’
Caller:               ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the ‘B’ fell off’.
———————————————————————-
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:           ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland’.
———————————————————————-
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer:             ‘OK’.
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support:          ‘OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:                 ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
———————————————————————-
Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week, and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
—————————————————————————————————————–
There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.                                        This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the customer care department.                                    Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ‘They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ‘Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ‘How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor, and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ‘Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator:          ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ‘No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:          ‘A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
                     Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:          ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ‘Tell them you’re too f—ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have  developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:

PINO MORE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

(and yes we know this list has missing numbers – we’ve posted it exactly as received, our guess is someone did some censoring at some stage)

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
 
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
 
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
 
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
 
11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
 
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
 
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
 
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
 
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 
18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
 
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
 
 20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 
 24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
 
 25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?