Tech -- Culture -- Humour
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks “Sir, is that your wife?”
“Yes”.
“Did you hit her with that golf club?”
“Yes. Yes, I did” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
“How many times did you hit her?”
“I don’t know. Five… six… put me down for a five”.
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom – smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
“No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”
“Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re OK.”
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn’t affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, “Mum, Spot is dead.”
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I’ll call for an ambulance and I’ll be there as quickly as I can.
We’ll give everyone enemas and we’ll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,
“Everything will be okay now,” and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum……….
“I can’t believe that guy!”
“What guy?”
“You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down.”
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . .. Easy boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William . . . The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”
The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandad. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandad says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandad asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad’s own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the lawyer. ‘This morning, when Grandad told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
Don’t Mess with Old People
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the shrink. ‘I’ll think about it,’ I said.
Six months later the shrink met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.
‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $350. “Are there any questions?”
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires “Err… How much for a season pass?”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
“It’s for my husband” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!”
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does.
But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the pooch.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“‘Here, boy,'” he replies.
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.
“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Very hot down here!
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