“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first”.

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars”.

“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news”.

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary”.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the “woo-woo” sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

“What happened, Walter?” she asks anxiously. “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my hunting trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Olga, naked with Joe Koverski in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Walter!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Olga would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened”.

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Walter, there I told you there must be a simple explanation… “She never got your email!”

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. Without a moment’s hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot and killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said “My wife got a pretty good look at you!!”

“It’s for my husband” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him!”

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.

“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’!” “Yeah?” she replies “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last’!”

MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says “And you are no good in bed either” and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says “What took you so long to answer to the phone?” She says “I was in bed”. “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife ‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four”.

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper ‘Please wake me at 5am’. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said ‘It is 5:00am. Wake up’.

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common”. The husband says “Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick…”

MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening”.

MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband… “I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect – I definitely don’t want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up… I definitely want to have sex”.

MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says… “Okay but I have my rules about sex also… every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don’t want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer – I don’t give a toss about your hair!

MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

“Well” Ole replied to the assembled husbands “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!” The Pastor responded “Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary”. Ole proudly replied: “I’m a-gonna go get her!”

MARRIAGE (PART XII)

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. “Amazing. 66 years!” I said. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?” “Well” he replied “It’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions… and the woman just makes the little decisions”. “Really?” I responded. “Does that really work? “Oh yes” he said proudly. “66 years, and so far, not one big decision!”

I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

 

” No”…said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?

“No ..no, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar note… and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said.

“Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?”

“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).

“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer.