The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.” The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes”, answered the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

—- This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back; we can’t afford them demands the wife,” and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks her husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of beer, and it’s half the price!”

On the PA system, “Clean-up on aisle 25; we have a husband down.”

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

‘Why?’ my daughter asked.

‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,’ Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’

I was thinking quickly and replied, ‘All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.’

‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two friends sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so
forget about the anaesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee off time and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Darling, and show him..”

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces. ‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.’

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.’
The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to’try’ to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure.
We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

And my husband wont give me extra money.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied,

“6.”

The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a packet of hundreds and thousands”