Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.’

Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to
drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with them.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well… she’s there.”

—

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband, “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?’

Bob thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf’.

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

Harvard’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago & it was just that one day.

The End

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’ The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and didn’t invite people he didn’t like to his BBQ’s and played

golf a lot and drank beer and rum and wore whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up

and farted whenever he wanted.

The End