An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’

Neighbours feared him.

They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, ‘Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?’

The wife put down her drink and said, ‘Let him dig. I had him buried upside down……’

Bloody women, they think of everything.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman  he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. ‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I’ll inherit $20 million.’ Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 

 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. 
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little 
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had 
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. 
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but 
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said 
she would not recover. 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took 
down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. 
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was 
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted 
dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. 

He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be 
married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy 
marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry 
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’ 
  
  
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back 
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry 
with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost 
burst with happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, 
but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’ 

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’ 
  
A Prayer……. 
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; 
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, 
I’ll beat him to death, because I don’t know how to crochet.
 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman’s Answer:

One!
ONLY  ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this  fuck’n house knows HOW to change a fuck’n light  bulb! They don’t even know that the fuck’n bulb is BURNED OUT!!  They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck’n DAYS before they figured it  out.
And,  once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the god damned  light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the  past 17 YEARS!
But  if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the  fuck’n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb  would
STILL BE  IN THE SAME fuck’n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE  WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER  EVER PICKS  UP OR CARRIES
OUT  THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL  SUFFOCATED
FROM  THE FUCK’N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE  FUCK’N HOUSE!!
IT  WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON’T  EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE  FUCK’N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m  sorry.
What was the  question?

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop. 

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough. 

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. 

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin, Australia. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the ‘no haggle on price’ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ‘Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free’

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, ‘Little lady, just go and give it a try’!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out…….

 

‘SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO’!

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 

Keep reading-they get better!!! 

————————————————————————

WOMEN’S REVENGE 

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. 

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’ 

————————————————————————

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I’m not going to understand women. 

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 

and still be afraid of a spider. 

————————————————————————

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 

and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. 

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….. so does she. 

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

————————————————————————

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 

neither of them wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 

the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ 

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’ 

————————————————————————

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 

30,000 to a man’s 15,000. 

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’ 

————————————————————————

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be 

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. 

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 

————————————————————————

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who 

should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, 

and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and 

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ 

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ 

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’ 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. ‘HEBREWS’ 

————————————————————————

The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 

and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, 

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

————————————————————————

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a  rough draft before the masterpiece 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

ow do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares – neither one’s a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.