One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about “Blue Velvet”. Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them “What’s Blue Velvet?”
They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him “What happened, Little Johnny?” to which he replies “Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is”. “As well they should have!” she states. “Get your ass to the Principal’s office, right now!”

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal’s office.
“Now son, just what happened?” “Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is”. “Little Johnny, you are expelled. Get the hell out of my school!”

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming “What happened?!” “I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what “Blue Velvet” is”. Little Johnny’s Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells “You’re never welcome in this home again!”

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. “Get in” he says. Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is”.
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying “You are no longer welcome in this town. Don’t let me catch you around here again!”

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is”.

“Is that so?” says the Trucker. “Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is”.

“Really?”
“Sure”.

The Trucker stops the truck. “See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there’s a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is”.

“Gee, Thanks, Mister!” replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when *BAM* he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

The moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Aphorism = “A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

And REMEMBER….

“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON”

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer John off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign”.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:

NUDIST COLONY: Slow down and watch out for chicks!

A wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old man who was drunk, with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable”. “That’s correct” said the boss.

Another glass… “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”. “Correct”.

A third glass… “It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant… and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.

…Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law:
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly..

17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.