Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away. 

Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

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Number Two Idiot of 2008 

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. 

Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.

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Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Far go deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 

Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway. 

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Number Four Idiot of 2008 

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign. 

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Idiot Number Five of 2008 

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. 

This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign 

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Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. 

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Idiot Number Seven of 2008 

I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

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STAY ALERT! They walk among us… and they REPRODUCE…!!!

‘Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  ashamed.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and  all of their hopes
and dreams … If  I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams  would be shattered.  
Then I say to  myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come  true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
~ Jack  Handy

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell  
happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are  tougher,   smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.
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‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’
~  Henny Youngman

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH  you.
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’24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?   I  think not.’
~ Stephen Wright  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can  sing.
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‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to  heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!’
~ Brian  O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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‘Beer  is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’
~ Benjamin  Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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‘Without  question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel  does
not go nearly as well with pizza.’
~ Dave Barry  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and  over again that you love them.
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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a  can!
~ Dave  Howell

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse  with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff  Clavin, of  Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the  BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it  went:
‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of  buffalo can  only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when   the  herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest  ones at  the back that are killed first This natural selection  is good  for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole  group keeps improving by the regular  killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can  only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know,  kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain  cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the  weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries WithThat?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine – They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered:

“THE TEETH.”

This really works…  just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the boot (trunk) of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, see who is really happy to see you.

This very prim and proper lady goes into a pet store, and see the most beautiful parrot she’s ever seen. She asks the store manager how much, and he says “I can sell him for $10.”

“Oh my, that’s a wonderful price” the lady exclaimed. “I’ll take him.”

“There’s a reason he’s only $10. He was raised and taught to speak in a brothel, so his language is a bit….colorful”

The lady thought for a moment, and said “I’m a very devout Christian, and I believe there’s good in every creature. I can change his language.”

When she got the parrot home, he looked around and said “AWWWWK. New House, New Madam.”

The lady admonished the bird, saying “That is improper language, and I will not have it in my home. I am the Missus and this is my home.”

A bit later, the lady’s two teenage daughters came home. The parrot saw them and said “AWWWWK. New House. New Madam, New Girls.”

“No, No, No. That is not at all proper. These are not new girls. They are my daughters, and you will speak to them with respect.”

Things went well for the next few hours, when the lady’s husband came home. The parrot saw him and said ” AWWWWK. New House. New Madam. New Girls. Hi Bob”

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day ……………

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

Dear  Colleagues and  Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.   I now also wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.  
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.  I can also sell the free laptop I am about to receive for forwarding my details to forty friends and HP. Not forgetting the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from the crotch of 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Customer:     ‘I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries. Can you help?’.
Operator:     ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’.
Customer:     ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator:     ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. ‘Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?’
Operator:      ‘ Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?’
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
‘If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
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Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.
Operator:            ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’
Caller:               ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the ‘B’ fell off’.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:           ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland’.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
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Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer:             ‘OK’.
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
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Tech Support:          ‘OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:                 ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
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Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week, and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
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There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.                                        This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the customer care department.                                    Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ‘They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ‘Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ‘How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor, and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ‘Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator:          ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ‘No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:          ‘A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
                     Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:          ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ‘Tell them you’re too f—ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’