California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have  developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:

PINO MORE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

(and yes we know this list has missing numbers – we’ve posted it exactly as received, our guess is someone did some censoring at some stage)

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
 
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
 
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
 
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
 
11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
 
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
 
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
 
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
 
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 
18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
 
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
 
 20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 
 24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
 
 25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

 
 

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.

A guy goes to the Aberdeen Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’

He answers ‘Yes – caffeine’

‘Have you ever been in the services?’

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’

The interviewer says, ‘That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,’
and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, ‘Yes 100%…an bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’

The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’

The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8AM to 2 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?’ ‘

‘This is a council job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,’ Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for Fox Cable News,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . you’re NOT my flight instructor?’