-“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car”.

 

-“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”.

 

-“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”.

 

-“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof”.

 

-“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind”.

 

-“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.

 

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

 

-“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard”.

 

-“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke”.

 

-“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control”.

 

-“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

 

-“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk”.

 

-“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car”.

 

-“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo”.

 

-“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

 

-“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.

 

-“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”.

 

-“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car”.

 

-“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident”.

 

-“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”.

 

-“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows”.

 

-“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”.

 

-“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it”.

 

-“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”.

 

-“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.

 

-“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before”.

 

-“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull”.

 

-“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him”.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end”.

 

-“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

 

-“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal”.

 

-“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle”.

 

-“My car got hit by a submarine”. The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

 

-“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”.

 

-“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”.

 

-“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before”.

 

-“A house hit my car”. A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realised there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

The young man came running into the store and said to his mate “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!”

 

Johnno replied “Did ya see who it was?”

 

The young man answered “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number”.

 

##########################################

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

 

“It’s hereditary, sir” the older one replied.

 

“I see” said the doctor, writing in his file.

 

“Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

 

“No sir, our mother”.

 

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

 

“I know, sir” replied the recruit “But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!”

 

##########################################

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells “No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool!”

 

His wife asks him “What are you watching?”

 

Husband replies “Our wedding video”.

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom – smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

“No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”

“Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re OK.”

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn’t affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, “Mum, Spot is dead.”

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I’ll call for an ambulance and I’ll be there as quickly as I can.

We’ll give everyone enemas and we’ll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

“Everything will be okay now,” and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum……….

“I can’t believe that guy!”

“What guy?”

“You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down.”

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the shrink. ‘I’ll think about it,’ I said.

Six months later the shrink met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

“Why are you crying Fred?” asked the teacher.

“Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in laundry detergent…”

“Fred” said the teacher. “You must have known that detergent is bad for parrots…?”

“Oh it wasn’t the detergent that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier”.

—

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh…” the clerk replied “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me”.

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does.

But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the pooch.

“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.

“‘Here, boy,'” he replies.

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: 
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” 

************************** 
In a Podiatrist’s office: 
“Time wounds all heels.” 

************************** 
On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels 

************************** 
On a Plumber’s  truck: 
“We repair what your husband fixed.” 

************************** 
On another Plumber’s truck: 
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” 

************************** 
On a Church’s Bill board: 
“7 days without God makes one weak.” 

************************** 
At a Tyre Store 
“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

************************** 
On an Electrician’s truck: 
“Let us remove your shorts.” 

************************** 
In a Non-smoking Area: 
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” 
************************** 
On a Maternity Room door: 
“Push. Push. Push.” 

************************** 
At an Optometrist’s Office: 
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” 

************************** 
On a Taxidermist’s window: 
“We really know our stuff.” 

************************** 
On a Fence: 
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!” 

************************** 
At a Car Dealership: 
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.” 

************************** 
Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” 

************************** 
In a Vets waiting room: 
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” 

************************** 
In a Restaurant window: 
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.” 

************************** 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

**************************
And don’t forget the sign at a 
RADIATOR SHOP: 
“Best place in town to take a leak.” 

********************** 
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck: 
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realising that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired.

The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming “We got him! We got him!”