Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch..’

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say..

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy..’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A guy is driving home from work when he gets a call on his mobile. It’s his boss and he tells him he’s just been promoted to team leader. The chap is so excited that he swerves his car a bit.

Ten minutes later, he is still driving home when the phone rings again, it’s his boss. This time he tells him he’s been promoted to department manager. Even more excited, he swerves, almost crashing into a lamp post but regains control.

Another ten minutes pass and another call. This time he’s been promoted to CEO of the company. So excited now, he cannot control the car, skids off the road and crashes into a tree.

The police arrive and ask him what happened to cause the crash.

The chap says “I careered off the road.”

1. -A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go the bartender shouts “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the bartender “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves”.

2. -A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. “Do you serve tax collectors?” he asks the barman. “Of course” says the bartender. “Well” replies the man “I’ll have a beer and my alligator will have a tax collector!”

3. -Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender takes one look at them and says “Sorry fellas, we don’t serve breakfast”.

4. -A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says “I’m sorry we don’t serve poultry”. The chicken replies “That’s okay, I only want a drink”.

5. -A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking “What would you like to drink?” “You’ll have to speak up” replies the man. “I’m a trifle, hard of hearing”.

6. -A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d’ that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender asks “What’ll it be?” The man replies “Give me a Stoli with a twist”. The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says “Once upon time was four little pig”.

7. -185 cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here!” To which the cakes reTORT “Where else should we go?” And don’t move an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies “I don’t care, I think there’s a place yeast of here!”

8. -So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says “I’ m sorry but I can’t serve you”.”Why not?” asks the snake. The bartender says “Because you can’t hold your liquor”.

9. -Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a ‘very’ buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He’s lying on the floor and moans “Why do you let the bartender do it?” “Because he has a liquor license!”

10. -This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill”.

11. -Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says to them “We don’t serve your kind in here”. One of the yogurt cartons says back to him “Why not? We’re cultured individuals”.

12. -I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

13. -A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here”. The mushroom replies “Aww c’mon. I’m a fungi”.

14. -A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No I’m sorry” replied the bartender “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc”.

15. -A man walks into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender “Hey give me a free drink”. The bartender looks at him and asks “Why should I give you a free drink?” The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter. The bartender is amazed and says “Okay that’s worth a free drink” and proceeds to pour him one. After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool but was only worth one drink. The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender listens and says “That’s great, but it’s not worth a free drink”. “Okay” the customer says and pulls out a genie lamp. “Rub this and you can have any wish you want”. He does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks”. Suddenly a million ducks appear. “Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!” “That’s okay… I didn’t ask for a 10-inch pianist either!”

16. -A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like. The seal responds “Anything but Canadian Club on ice!”

17. -A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

18. -A dog limps into a bar and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

19. -Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.

20. -A duck walks into a bar and asks “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says “I told you yesterday and the day before that I don’t and if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks “Got any nails?” bar tender says no. Duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

21. -A football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says “You’re round!”

22. -A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice. The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says “You know, we have a drink named after you”. The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Irving…?”

23. -Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings. A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves. The bartender says “You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That’s too little, you’re a loser!” The man snickered and said “Nahh I’m not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist”

24. -A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order. The bartender says” Why don’t you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?” “Well” the guy says “When my brothers and I split up we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together”. The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn’t say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers. Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn’t know what to say but then says “My condolences on your loss”. “Why do you say that?” “Well” the bartender replies “I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!” The guy laughs and says “My brothers are fine… it’s just that my wife made me quit drinking!”

25. -A group of blondes walk into a bar shouting and cheering “Yeah, 31! Let’s hear it for 31!” They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31. After about 15 minutes of this the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. “What’s the deal about 31?” he asks the girls. One of them turns to him and says “We bought a puzzle that said 2-4 years and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!”

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles. I have a limited physical disability.

“The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our norml hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm, why do you want me here at 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls –No point in you coming in for that.”

1. Two blondes walk into a building — you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day — but I couldn’t find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli — a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know, I’ve cut off your hands’.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on that.’

11. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing: ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’
Doc says, ‘That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ‘
‘Is it common, doc?’
‘Well, it’s not unusual.’

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’
‘What? — because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really, really, heavy’

13. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Oh, now, don’t you start.’

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? — a fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It’s either my mum or my Dad — or my older brother Colin — or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu — but I think it’s Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The second one replies, ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

20 . A man walked into the doctor’s, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more’

21. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

-Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bast ard’s name.
– Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines…especially the ‘whooshing’ sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help ‘groups’?
-Is there another word for ‘synonym’?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for ‘thesaurus’?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don’t fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can’t push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with ‘or die’.
-When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously not understood the danger you are in