-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erec tion, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re crazy
-I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a b#tch.
-There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
-I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
-You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

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9 // I’ve run away to join a different circus.

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
-The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
-It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
-I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here. I’ll go on a head.”
-I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said ‘No change yet’.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

1. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire… and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”

6. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that… the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle.’

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physiques will follow.

Two statues stood in a park for years and years, one male, one female. For season after season, people from all over would come to the park, and marvel at their beauty and artfulness, and they brought smiles and joy to thousands.

One day, an Angel descends from the heavens, stands before the two statues, and claps his hands. Suddenly the two statues spring to life, and look around bewildered.

“I have brought you two to life, for the great service your have done for this community and the world. You bring such joy and happiness, that you can live among the world for 30 minutes, to do whatever you please,” said the Angel.

The man and the woman look and each other, blushing, before grasping each others’ hands and sprinting off to the bushes. After twenty minutes of giggling, strange noises, and breaking twigs, the couple emerge from the bushes, flushed and smiling.

“You still have ten minutes,” said the Angel, smiling.

So the man turned to the woman and said, “Great! Now this time YOU can hold the bird, and I’LL shit on it’s head.”