London Lawyer vs Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,

“Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”

Irish Password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ”Bejazus! are yez all stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital”

At the bar

McGurky walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies McGurky.

“You know, I live by the railway.

Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!

We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position
imaginable!”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky guy. Was she pretty?”

“Dunno…Never found the head…”

A very quick Irish joke

So Paddy asks Murphy: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which Murphy replies:

“You thick idiot – If they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat

The Bullfight

A tourist travelling in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served? It looks and smells wonderful.”

The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The tourist, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the tourist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

I just love the irish…

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?”

“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year
old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

“Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”

“Fook off you liar!”.

“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”

“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

Yet another Irish Joke

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, ‘ I can’t be bothered to walk all dat way.’

‘I know,’ says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last Bus home. ”We could steal a bus from the depot,’ Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’

Paddy shouts back, ‘I can’t find a No. 91’

‘Oh holy lord , ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

Irish Sausages

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

Environmentalism gone too far?

A woman from Hobart, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near the Franklin dam,   There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. 

She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.  As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl.  It attacked her!  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.  The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Launceston.  She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.  The doctor listened to her story with great patience.  He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.  The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry woman demanded, ‘What took you so long?’ He smiled and said, ‘Well, I had to get permits from National Parks and Wildlife.. the National Forestry Agency and Tasmanian Workcover before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I’m sorry, but they turned me down.’

Paddy and Mick

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You’ve done very well so far,’ said the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ‘.

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build it’s own nest?

‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock, ye fookin edjit, !!!!

Previous Posts