A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.

She timidly asked, ‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’

The operator said, I’ll l be glad to help, dear .

What’s the name and room number?’

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay Room 302.’

The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse .

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.  Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

The grandmother said, ‘Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’

The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’

The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit..’ 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.  

Please select from the following options menu:  

If you are  obsessive-compulsive, press 1   repeatedly.  

If you are  co-dependent,  please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  

If you are  paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.  

If you are  delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.  

If you are  schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.  

If you are  manic-depressive, hang up. It  doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.  
 
If you are  dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.  

If you are  bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
But please wait for the beep.  

If you have  short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  

If you have  low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with you.  

If you are  menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.