Email Joke Graveyard

Where’s the Money?

May 15, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are
talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says,

“Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Sexy Parking

May 13, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex, The Gender Wars

Nightclub Dress Code

May 12, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Portuguese, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an African went to a night club…

The bouncer said: “Sorry I canâ€™t let you in without a Thai. “

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

Lie Detector

May 8, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Â Â A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch ?”
Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What?
At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son .”
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S. Â Â Robot For Sale

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Dog For Sale

April 26, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.

“Yes,” the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals”.

“Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the owner says.

“Â£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

“Because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the garden.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Pets Tagged With: pet

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

March 11, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Two best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.

Thumbs Down

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it . Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

Filed Under: Bowel humour, Email Joke Graveyard, Medical

Is This Yours?

March 4, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Paddy says to Mick “I found this pen, is it yours?”

Mick replies “Don’t know, give it here.” He then writes on a piece of paper and says, “Yes it is”

Paddy asks “How do you know?”

Mick replies, “That’s my handwriting”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

Retirement Bonus

March 1, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ’em,’ which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs’ weenie and began to work back.

“Dear Lord,” he suddenly exclaimed, ”Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied, “In Vietnam.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Military

Puns

February 1, 2013 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny; period!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor