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Australian Bush Etiquette

November 2, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman It can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook â€“ especially on the firrst date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back.. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends..
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer- bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way…
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Duz tha speak Yorkshire

October 24, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”

Vet: “Is it a tom?”

Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”
……………………………………………………………………

A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”

Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”

Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”
……………………………………………………………………

A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words “She were thine” engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it’s been engraved “She were thin”.
He explodes: “‘ells bells man, you’ve left the blood y “e” out, you’ve left the blood y “e” out!”
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: “There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you”.
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

“E, she were thin”.
……………………………………………………………………

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist “Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?”
Chemist replies “Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”

……………………………………………………………………

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called “e by gum”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

The harmonica

July 18, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica”.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex, The Gender Wars

Golf and Whisky

June 27, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked:
‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I am Scottish and I am a golfer,’ said the old fellow: ‘and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that’s it.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’
‘Who said my Dad died?’
The doctor was amazed.
‘You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. how old is he?’
He is 100 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer. ‘In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor said, ‘that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Grandad is dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asked, ‘You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He is 118 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin’ because he is getting married today.’

At this point the doctor was close tolosing it. ‘Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old Scotsman want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Three blondes

June 20, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said,”Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,”All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. “The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Murphy

June 5, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Muphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decides to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he heads off to Paris.

After a satisfactory week of negotiations, he decides to visit a crowded small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sits enjoying himself, a beautiful young Parisian girl comes to his table and asks if she may use the spare chair, as there is nowhere else to sit.

Murphy doesn’t speak a word of French but understands by her gestures, and invites her to join him.

That being the extent of Murphy’s sign language, they soon revert to drawing on a napkin to communicate. He draws a picture of a glass of wine and shows it to her. She nods, so he orders a glass of wine for her. That goes so well that he soon draws a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nods. They leave the bistro and find a quiet cafe that features a small group playing romantic music.

They order dinner, after which he takes another napkin and draws a picture of a couple dancing.

She nods and they get up to dance. They dance until the cafe closes and the band is packing up. Back at their table the young lady takes a napkin and draws a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

Honest Answer

June 3, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

An Oklahoma Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driverâ€™s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. “Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?”

The driver replied, ” Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot.”

The officer looked at the driver and asked, “Anything else?”

“Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat.”

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn’t, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver’s face and said “Mr. Smith, you’re carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

“Not a ***king thing!”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Gender battle assortment

May 19, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection,
please don’t get an erection …
but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I
had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said “You’re pulling my leg”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually
a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in
her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that Iâ€™m a stalker.
Well, sheâ€™s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Whatâ€™s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Oneâ€™s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I’ve been table ended and backskuttled
a few times too.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband youâ€™re always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says â€œwhat do you expect, youâ€™re in a wheel chair.â€

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.