Email Joke Graveyard

When I Say I’m Broke, I’m Broke!!

May 11, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…

”Go away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open…

”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor Tagged With: door-to-door salesman joke, old lady joke

Old people texting

May 3, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

SENIORS TEXTING CODE :

ATD.. At The Doctors.
BFF.. Best Friend Fell.
BTW.. Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT.. Bring Your Own Teeth.
FWIW.. Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL.. Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA.. Got Heartburn Again.
IMHO.. Is My Hearing-Aid On.
LMDO.. Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR.. On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG .. Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU…. Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up.
TTYL.. Talk To You Louder.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor Tagged With: old people texting funny things, sms jokes

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman

April 29, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.”

A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha!” he thought “No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. “Man this is great” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your Willie is under your pillow.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars Tagged With: funny gender jokes

No wonder he was so smart

April 29, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor Tagged With: albert einstein joke

Politically correct

April 5, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, I canâ€™t let you in without a Thai”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Comfortable?

March 25, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my

sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.’ Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’

The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’

The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big. She’ll read it very slowly…. ‘com-for-da-bul.’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Definitions to be applied

March 13, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
COMPROMISE: The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
ETC: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it.
FATHER: The banker that nature provides.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
HOOKER: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.
LECTURE: The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
NEIGHBOURS: The strangers who live next door.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
ORG ASM: The punchline some women just don’t get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from eg., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.
REDNECK: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
TEARS: The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
VOTING: The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of defective genes designed for men only.
ZOO: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Pregnancy Q&A

March 9, 2011 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the words ‘child support payment’ means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s nappy very quickly
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in university.
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don’t work.
Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labour-saving device.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you’re fatter than they are.
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A: Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: How long is the average woman in labour? A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning? A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps? A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labour cause haemorrhoids? A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it’s a girl, for starters.
Q: What is the grasp reflex? A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away? A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitise nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Kids