A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, “Bring me a whiskey, bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells,”Get me another whiskey, bitch.” Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for me.”

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out
of the airplane.

As they’re falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re kind of a mouthy
b#stard.

A few overworked deputy sheriffs were long overdue for a vacation so they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl – he’s very well known for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time – they agreed to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn’t get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep!”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t going to put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other deputies.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, fellas! Wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said. They other deputies were shocked!

They said, “Man, what happened?” Frank said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore at all!”

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our fishing club last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: “Where do women have the curliest hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erec tion, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re crazy
-I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a b#tch.
-There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
-I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
-You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

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-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
-The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
-It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
-I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here. I’ll go on a head.”
-I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said ‘No change yet’.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.