What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A crazy bitch who will find you.
Touching love story
April 11, 2010 by Leave a Comment
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
And my husband wont give me extra money.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied,
“6.”
The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a packet of hundreds and thousands”
Wine for husband
April 2, 2010 by Leave a Comment
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”
London Lawyer vs Glasgow Cop
March 23, 2010 by Leave a Comment
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
“Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
It’s hell to be old
March 12, 2010 by Leave a Comment
OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
The Program
March 1, 2010 by Leave a Comment
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day theres a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely, ” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”
He lost 33 kilos that week.
The first blonde guy joke?
February 26, 2010 by Leave a Comment
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke…… And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘ Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too..’
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’
Grandparents
February 24, 2010 by Leave a Comment
I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I’d applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
——————————————————————————————
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”
—————————————————————————————–
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
——————————————————————————————
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
——————————————————————————————
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
——————————————————————————————
My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Smart Ass
February 18, 2010 by Leave a Comment
Two youngish businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opened new store, in New York.
As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet you that any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask us what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you guys selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes mate.”
Without skipping a beat, the old Bloke said … “Must be doing well… Only two left.”
Seniors — don’t mess with them!
Bottle of wine
February 17, 2010 by Leave a Comment
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.’
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to
drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with them.
Recent Comments