Tech -- Culture -- Humour
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”
Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.
“How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?” asks Trump.
“Let me demonstrate.” She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, “Mr. Schäuble, it’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?”
Without hesitation, Schäuble answers, “Quite simply, it’s me!” “You see,” Merkel tells Trump, “this is how I test people’s intelligence.”
Thrilled, Trump flies home, immediately calling his running mate, Mike Pence, to ask him the same question. “It’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?”
After much back and forth, Pence says, “I have no idea, but I will try to find out the answer by tomorrow!” Pence just can’t figure it out and decides to seek advice from former President Obama. He calls him, “Mr. Obama, it’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?” he asks Obama. “Easy, it’s me!”
Happy to have found the answer, Pence calls Trump and says triumphantly, “I have the answer, it’s Barack Obama!” Trump rages and says, “No you jackass, it’s Wolfgang Schäuble!”
Before becoming a parent, I thought School Photo Days were straightforward, a fella takes a picture of your kid at school, you buy a copy from them for a few quid. ..
Nope.
– Hi there, we’ve taken a picture of your kid at school and wondered if you’d like one?
– Oh, ok, yeah I’ll take one.
– Well.. we don’t do single photos we do ‘packages’.
– Ok, what’s the most basic package?
– That would be Package One. It’s one normal-sized photo and 42 wallet-sized photos.
– Well, that’s shite, I don’t know 42 people. I certainly don’t know 42 people who own a wallet. And I definitely don’t know 42 people who are weird enough to carry around a picture of someone else’s kid in their wallet.
– They’re great for passport photos.
– 42!? How many passports do you think he needs? He’s six, not f*ing Bond.
– OK, well Package Two is one of our bestsellers.
– What’s that?
– That’s 20 photos, all really awkward sizes, either too small to frame or too big to give to relatives without it being weird.
– Great. ..Package Three?
– That’s Package Two plus a snow-globe and a 6-foot canvas for your living room wall.
– Jesus, no.
– Look just give me the cheapest.. Package One.
– Certainly.
– Is that it? Can I pay now?
– Tea towel?
– What?
– Tea towel?
– Are you taking the piss? Why the bloody hell would I want a tea towel with a picture of my kid gurning on it? It’d be like drying the pots with the Turin Shroud. I’ll just take the..
– Cushion?
– No.- Mug?
– No.
– 6 foot cardboard cut-out.
– NO.
– What about a hot air balloon? They’re twenty feet wide and we’ll tether it to your back fence.
– Wha..?
– They’re very popular.
– No.
– We can project your kid’s face on to the moon?
– Why would you..?
– What about one of those big, blow-up, wavey -hands things you get outside car dealerships?
– NO.
– We’ll tattoo their face onto a pig?
– JESUS CHRIST!?, what is wrong with you people!? Look, just send me the shitty wallet package.
– No problem. Package One. That’ll be 45 quid please.
– What the bloody..!? Are you hand-painting each one!? I’m not paying that.
– Well, its memories isn’t it. And they are only young once, aren’t they? And you can’t get this time back and..
– ..Fine. …and give me one of those f*ing tea towels as well.
On the back of the toilet door:
Call a spade a spade,
And don’t be funny,
Our Toilet’s a Lav,
And Sometime a Dunny.
Don’t waste the paper,
Don’t stay too long,
Or somebody’s ‘works’,
will go all wrong.
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee” said one.
“Yes, I know” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee”.
“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” said a fourth.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going” said an elderly gent.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings” said one woman cheerfully.
“Thankfully, we can all still drive”.
Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket.
The brother reluctantly agreed.
In time his brother died.
At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a cheque for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
George had responded to a call from his solitors, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.
“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first”.
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars”.
“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news”.
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary”.
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill’s wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired.
His wife asked “What’s the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now”.
Bill said “Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole”.
“My God, honey!” said the wife, rushing to comfort him. “That must’ve been terrible!”
“It was” he said. “All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again…”
One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about “Blue Velvet”. Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them “What’s Blue Velvet?”
They proceed to kick his ass.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him “What happened, Little Johnny?” to which he replies “Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is”. “As well they should have!” she states. “Get your ass to the Principal’s office, right now!”
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal’s office.
“Now son, just what happened?” “Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is”. “Little Johnny, you are expelled. Get the hell out of my school!”
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming “What happened?!” “I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what “Blue Velvet” is”. Little Johnny’s Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells “You’re never welcome in this home again!”
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. “Get in” he says. Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is”.
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying “You are no longer welcome in this town. Don’t let me catch you around here again!”
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is”.
“Is that so?” says the Trucker. “Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is”.
“Really?”
“Sure”.
The Trucker stops the truck. “See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there’s a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is”.
“Gee, Thanks, Mister!” replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when *BAM* he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.
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