Two statues stood in a park for years and years, one male, one female. For season after season, people from all over would come to the park, and marvel at their beauty and artfulness, and they brought smiles and joy to thousands.

One day, an Angel descends from the heavens, stands before the two statues, and claps his hands. Suddenly the two statues spring to life, and look around bewildered.

“I have brought you two to life, for the great service your have done for this community and the world. You bring such joy and happiness, that you can live among the world for 30 minutes, to do whatever you please,” said the Angel.

The man and the woman look and each other, blushing, before grasping each others’ hands and sprinting off to the bushes. After twenty minutes of giggling, strange noises, and breaking twigs, the couple emerge from the bushes, flushed and smiling.

“You still have ten minutes,” said the Angel, smiling.

So the man turned to the woman and said, “Great! Now this time YOU can hold the bird, and I’LL shit on it’s head.”

Dear Family & Friends,

At the start of this year I wanted to thank you for the emails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me
for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can’t even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of a neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

All the best for 2010