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Newspaper Ad

November 24, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED !!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, Sex Tagged With: ,

Talking Dog

November 21, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Pets Tagged With: ,

World’s shortest fairy tale

November 20, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’ The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and didn’t invite people he didn’t like to his BBQ’s and played

golf a lot and drank beer and rum and wore whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up

and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

New Words for 2008

November 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a ‘home business’.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the ‘adminisphere’ are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded ‘administrivia’ – needless
paperwork and processes.

* 404.
Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ‘404 Not
Found’ meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH – NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!’.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you’ve come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s
got 4 buttocks

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Retirement – inspiring message

November 16, 2009 by Leave a Comment

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired’? Well..I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and Margaritas into urine. ”

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

Three little pigs

November 11, 2009 by Leave a Comment

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …’I think the man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be fucked!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids

Playing with trains

November 5, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, ‘cos we’re going down the tracks’.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’

She hears the little boy continue,

‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added……….

‘For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Kids

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

November 4, 2009 by Leave a Comment

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At the town of,
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch

One of the tourists asked the waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr…. Gurrr…. King.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

The Duck

October 29, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, ‘Hang on! You’re a duck.’

‘I see your eyes are working,’ replies the duck.

‘And you can talk!’ exclaims the barman.

‘I see your ears are working, too,’ says the duck. ‘Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?’

‘Certainly, sorry about that,’ says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. ‘It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?’

‘I’m working on the building site across the road,’ explains the duck. ‘I’m a plasterer.’

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him ‘You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!’

‘Sounds marvellous,’ says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ‘Get him to give me a call.’

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ‘Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.’

‘I’m always looking for the next job,’ says the duck. ‘Where is it?’

‘At the circus,’ says the barman.

‘The circus?’ repeats the duck.

‘That’s right,’ replies the barman.

‘The circus?’ the duck asks again. ‘That place with the big tent?’

‘Yeah,’ the barman replies.

‘With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?’ says the duck.

‘Of course,’ the barman replies.

‘And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?’ persists the duck.

‘That’s right!’ says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..

‘What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

What’s fastest?

October 17, 2009 by 1 Comment

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied ‘A thought. It pops into your head, there’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

‘That’s very good’ replied the interviewer. ‘And now you, sir,’ he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm, let me see….. A blink!,’ said the second man. ‘It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye’ That’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out on my dad’s property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.’

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light’, he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.
‘After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie.

‘What!’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

‘Oh, I can explain’, said the Aussie, ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I shlt my pants.’

Filed Under: Bowel humour, Email Joke Graveyard

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