Tech -- Culture -- Humour
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
“You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked,
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied,
“Yes, you’ll be fine.
It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 09.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS
Hello David,
Thankyou for your recent enquiry regarding pricing of the R 1200 GS Motorcycle. We do not accept household furniture as trade ins on vehicles and would reccomend you sell them privately. The R 1200 GS has a list price of $25,470. Please note that this excludes Dealer delivery and ORC and is GST inclusive. I welcome you to contact me personally to arrange a test ride at a time that would suit you.
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.03am
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS
Dear Peter,
Thankyou for responding to the online request I filled out several months ago and your kind offer to allow me to test ride the product before paying what is essentially five times the value of my car. If you could confirm for me that the model is available in desert yellow I would be very interested.
Regards, David.
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS colours available
Hello David,
Yes the R 1200 GS is available in desert yellow. We have a desert yellow demo model on the showroom floor at the moment if you would like to come in to view and arrange a test ride at that time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.48am
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS colours available
Dear Peter,
I have just been informed that bees are attracted to yellow vehicles. Apparently a few years back, a guy I know purchased a bright yellow convertible and was unable to drive it with the top down due to constantly being surrounded by bees. Do you know if this is a science fact? I am allergic to bees and the last thing I want is to be stung in the eye while I am doing 240kph on the freeway during the test ride. Also, do you know if there are airtight motorcycle helmets available?
Regards, David.
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available
Hello David,
You would be required to follow state speed restrictions of 100kph on the Eastern Freeway during a test ride and would reccomend lower speeds than that until you have familiarised yourself with the bike. We would generally not expect people to take the demo bike on the freeway but we can discuss when you come in. I have never heard that about bees liking yellow vehicles and would think it is not true. The R 1200 GS is available in granite, black and red in addition to the yellow. Would you like to come in today and discus?
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 02.50pm
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available
Dear Peter,
I have been researching bees on the internet for the last four hours at work. When I type “Do bees like yellow” into google, it states that there are 2,960,000 results. It will take me a while to look at that many pages so I doubt I will make it in there today. One of the pages states that Qantas once had a yellow kangaroo as their logo but when it was painted on the tail fin it attracted nests of bees so the logo was changed to red in the mid fifties. This would seem to support the argument that bees are indeed attracted to yellow and contradicts what you have told me. Admittedly though, another page states that bees are technically unable to fly due to their wings being too small for their body weight but I have seen them doing it so this can’t be true – somebody should check the internet and make sure everything on there is correct. Regardless, I do not think having to dodge bees in addition to the already present dangers of learning to ride a motorbike for the first time would be very safe. Once when I was a passenger in a yellow taxi, a bee flew in and I screamed causing the driver to swerve and hit a wheelie bin. I will continue my research and confirm that this would not be a factor before I arrange the test ride.
Regards, David.
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 03.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available
When you say you are learning to ride a motorcycle, do you hold a current full motorcycle license?
Sincerely, Peter Conner
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 03.40pm
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available
Dear Peter,
No, but how hard can it be? They are just pushbikes with engines. Part of my daily job role is to ride to collect co-workers lunch orders from McDonalds. I balance the bags on my handlebars because they will not buy me a basket. I think that qualifies me for something. Often, I have to make the trip twice when McDonalds® employees leave something out of the order. Actually, on average, every third time I go through the drive through they forget to include prt of my order. Also the girls who work there are too attractive. This means that if I want something from my local McDonalds® late at night, I have to shower, shave and wear something nice before I can get a simple snack. As it takes me at least two hours to do my hair, I am practically starving by this time and therefore order twice as much food as usual. Ordering more food increases the chance of them leaving something out. Last night it was an apple pie and that is really the only thing I like from there. It is quite obvious to me that they do this on purpose. Once, I ordered two big macs, minus the beef, large fries and an apple pie. When I got home and opened the bag, there were two happy meals in there. The toy in each was a Kim Possible figurine which worked out well as I gave one to my son and kept one myself. For a cartoon character, you have to admit that Kim Possible is quite attractive. I also have a thing for Lois from the television series Family Guy so I must have a penchant for cartoon redheads which is vaguely puzzling to me as I cannot stand redheads in real life. Nobody can. I read somewhere that redheads are more prone to allergies and if this is a science fact, and includes allergies to bee stings, all redheads should be encouraged to wear bright yellow T-Shirts.
Regards, David.
From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 04.28pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS test ride
Dear David,
I apologise but we will be unable to organise a test ride for you at this time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
Took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84)..
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
‘Got stoned once and fu*ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’
the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’
The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.’
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
‘THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS WITH HER.’
HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘ A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, AND KISSING HER ON THE NECK. I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW, TAKIN’ MY TEETH WITH HER.’
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on..
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Los Angeles were sitting on a bench talking…….. And one blonde says to the other, “Which do
You think is farther away………. New York or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see New York …?????”
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”. She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts,
“How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar falls deadly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know 5 things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde biker girl.
3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that joke?
The blind man shakes his head and mutters,
“Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it 5 times.”
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation –
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service —
Copyright © 2024 · Magazine Child Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in
Recent Comments