Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman  he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. ‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I’ll inherit $20 million.’ Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 

 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. 
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little 
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had 
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. 
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but 
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said 
she would not recover. 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took 
down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. 
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was 
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted 
dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. 

He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be 
married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy 
marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry 
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’ 
  
  
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back 
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry 
with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost 
burst with happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, 
but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’ 

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’ 
  
A Prayer……. 
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; 
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, 
I’ll beat him to death, because I don’t know how to crochet.
 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman’s Answer:

One!
ONLY  ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this  fuck’n house knows HOW to change a fuck’n light  bulb! They don’t even know that the fuck’n bulb is BURNED OUT!!  They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck’n DAYS before they figured it  out.
And,  once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the god damned  light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the  past 17 YEARS!
But  if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the  fuck’n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb  would
STILL BE  IN THE SAME fuck’n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE  WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER  EVER PICKS  UP OR CARRIES
OUT  THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL  SUFFOCATED
FROM  THE FUCK’N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE  FUCK’N HOUSE!!
IT  WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON’T  EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE  FUCK’N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m  sorry.
What was the  question?

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop. 

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough. 

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. 

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.