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Letter To God

December 26, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: ‘Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.’

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry’s mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I’VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids, Religion, Virtual Worlds

The Husband Store

December 24, 2008 by Leave a Comment

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Squirming at the back of the class

December 23, 2008 by Leave a Comment

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom!” she said. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids

Little Johnny

December 22, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Little Johnny is a nasty little boy, you can never trust him on what his little dirty mind thinks.

Teacher: Johnny, if you answer this math problem correctly, I will give you extra credit.

Little Johnny: OK teacher

Teacher: Johnny, there is a hunter walking in the woods and comes across a telephone line with three little birdies on it…The hunter aims and shoots one of the little birdies……. how many are left…..?

Little johnny: None!

Teacher: Now johnny, the hunter saw three little birdies on the telephone wire and shot only one of them, now how many are left??

Little Johnny: None!

Teacher: Johnny, how can you come up with that answer?? Explain.

Little Johnny: Well….the hunter saw the three little birdies on the telephone wire, and shot one of them, but the other two birdies flew away because of the noise the gun made.

Teacher: Well Johnny, that is not quite the answer that I had in mind…..but I like the way you think.

Little Johnny: Well teacher I have a problem for you too.

Teacher (thinking ….I wonder what little Johnny will come up with ?)and responds by saying: OK tell me.

Little Johnny: Well, there are three teachers sitting on a park bench. They all have lolly pops in their hands. One is licking it, one is biting it, the other one is sucking on it…………which one was married??

Teacher (upset with this…red in the face states): ………ah….. er….. the one licking it.

Little Johnny: No! No! No!……the one with the wedding ring on her finger…………but I like the way you think!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

What Marriage Is All About

December 21, 2008 by Leave a Comment

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine – They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered:

“THE TEETH.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Paddy and Mick

December 20, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You’ve done very well so far,’ said the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ‘.

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build it’s own nest?

‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock, ye fookin edjit, !!!!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

A test to see who is your real friend

December 19, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This really works…  just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the boot (trunk) of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, see who is really happy to see you.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Osama and Valentine’s Day

December 18, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

Since Valentine’s Day is named after a Christian saint and we’re Jewish, she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says. “Why Osama Bin Laden?”, her father asks in shock. “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Political

Farting in church

December 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she
leans over and says, ‘I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should
do?”

He replies ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Filed Under: Bowel humour, Email Joke Graveyard

Intelligent Parrot

December 16, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This very prim and proper lady goes into a pet store, and see the most beautiful parrot she’s ever seen. She asks the store manager how much, and he says “I can sell him for $10.”

“Oh my, that’s a wonderful price” the lady exclaimed. “I’ll take him.”

“There’s a reason he’s only $10. He was raised and taught to speak in a brothel, so his language is a bit….colorful”

The lady thought for a moment, and said “I’m a very devout Christian, and I believe there’s good in every creature. I can change his language.”

When she got the parrot home, he looked around and said “AWWWWK. New House, New Madam.”

The lady admonished the bird, saying “That is improper language, and I will not have it in my home. I am the Missus and this is my home.”

A bit later, the lady’s two teenage daughters came home. The parrot saw them and said “AWWWWK. New House. New Madam, New Girls.”

“No, No, No. That is not at all proper. These are not new girls. They are my daughters, and you will speak to them with respect.”

Things went well for the next few hours, when the lady’s husband came home. The parrot saw him and said ” AWWWWK. New House. New Madam. New Girls. Hi Bob”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

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