A Christmas Story for people having a bad day ……………

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

Dear  Colleagues and  Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.   I now also wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.  
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.  I can also sell the free laptop I am about to receive for forwarding my details to forty friends and HP. Not forgetting the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from the crotch of 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Customer:     ‘I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries. Can you help?’.
Operator:     ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’.
Customer:     ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator:     ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. ‘Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?’
Operator:      ‘ Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?’
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
‘If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
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Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.
Operator:            ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’
Caller:               ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the ‘B’ fell off’.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:           ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland’.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
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Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer:             ‘OK’.
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
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Tech Support:          ‘OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:                 ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
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Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week, and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
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There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.                                        This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the customer care department.                                    Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ‘They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ‘Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ‘How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor, and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ‘Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator:          ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ‘No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:          ‘A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
                     Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:          ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ‘Tell them you’re too f—ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’