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Signs of The Times

April 15, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: 
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” 

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In a Podiatrist’s office: 
“Time wounds all heels.” 

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On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels 

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On a Plumber’s  truck: 
“We repair what your husband fixed.” 

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On another Plumber’s truck: 
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” 

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On a Church’s Bill board: 
“7 days without God makes one weak.” 

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At a Tyre Store 
“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

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On an Electrician’s truck: 
“Let us remove your shorts.” 

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In a Non-smoking Area: 
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” 
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On a Maternity Room door: 
“Push. Push. Push.” 

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At an Optometrist’s Office: 
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” 

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On a Taxidermist’s window: 
“We really know our stuff.” 

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On a Fence: 
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!” 

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At a Car Dealership: 
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.” 

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” 

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In a Vets waiting room: 
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” 

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In a Restaurant window: 
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.” 

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

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And don’t forget the sign at a 
RADIATOR SHOP: 
“Best place in town to take a leak.” 

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Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck: 
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Marriage Jokes

March 28, 2014 by Leave a Comment

MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not”.

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’!” “Yeah?” she replies “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last’!”

MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says “And you are no good in bed either” and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says “What took you so long to answer to the phone?” She says “I was in bed”. “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife ‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four”.

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper ‘Please wake me at 5am’. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said ‘It is 5:00am. Wake up’.

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common”. The husband says “Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick…”

MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening”.

MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband… “I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect – I definitely don’t want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up… I definitely want to have sex”.

MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says… “Okay but I have my rules about sex also… every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don’t want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer – I don’t give a toss about your hair!

MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

“Well” Ole replied to the assembled husbands “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!” The Pastor responded “Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary”. Ole proudly replied: “I’m a-gonna go get her!”

MARRIAGE (PART XII)

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. “Amazing. 66 years!” I said. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?” “Well” he replied “It’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions… and the woman just makes the little decisions”. “Really?” I responded. “Does that really work? “Oh yes” he said proudly. “66 years, and so far, not one big decision!”

 

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex, The Gender Wars

Fourth Marriage

March 25, 2014 by Leave a Comment

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director” she answered. “Interesting” the newsman thought…

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go”.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

The Winter Boots

March 5, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

‘They’re my brother’s boots. But my Mom made me wear ’em today.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’

He said, ‘I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.’

She’ll be eligible for parole in three years.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids

GPS Poem

February 27, 2014 by Leave a Comment

 I have a little GPS

I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
“It’s sixty k’s an hour”, it says
“You’re doing sixty five”

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear..

I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – lets me have a shed.

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

 

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Damn statistics!

February 4, 2014 by Leave a Comment

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realising that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired.

The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming “We got him! We got him!”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Old Shaver

February 2, 2014 by Leave a Comment

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied:”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does”.

Filed Under: Age, Bowel humour, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Ten Finkers

January 31, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Okie dokie, let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.”

Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lordy- it’s 2013 and Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says………”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?”

 

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

A Good Catholic Joke

January 15, 2014 by Leave a Comment
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: “And do you men know Jesus Christ?”

They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”

One of the steelworkers yelled down, “Why?”

The worker yelled back,  “’Cause his Mum’s here with his lunch.“
Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, Religion

Condoms and smoking

January 13, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Lady 1: What’s that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day…Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.

(The pharmacist fainted.)

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

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