A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”

Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: “I reckon he’s an accountant”.
Keith: “No way – he’s a stockbroker”.
Ken: “He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!”
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: “‘Scuse me mate… no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?”
Suit: “No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession”.
Ken: “Oh! What’s that then?”
Suit: “I’ll try to explain by example… do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: “Err… hmmm… well yeah, I do as it happens!”
Suit: “Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: “It’s in a pond!”
Suit: “Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden”.
Ken “As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!”
Suit: “Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?”
Ken: “As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house… built it myself!”
Suit: “Well given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?”
Ken: “Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children”.
Suit: “Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?”
Ken: “Yep! Five or six nights a week!”
Suit: “Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?”
Ken: “Me? Never!”
Suit: “Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!”
Ken: “How’s that then?”
Suit: “Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!”
Ken: “I see! That’s pretty impressive… thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: “I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?”
Ken: “Yep! He’s a logical scientist!”
Keith: “What’s that then?”
Ken: “I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?”
Keith: “Nope”.
Ken: “Well then, you’re a wanker!”

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her
neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large
house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she
was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to
disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having
explained the problem to him, the vet said,

“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me!,” he replied.

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

“I love you!” she said, and then she got all excited, she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever….

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts

On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules.

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $350. “Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires “Err… How much for a season pass?”

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex”. After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have ‘rough sex'”. Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”