MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not”.

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’!” “Yeah?” she replies “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last’!”

MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says “And you are no good in bed either” and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says “What took you so long to answer to the phone?” She says “I was in bed”. “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife ‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four”.

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper ‘Please wake me at 5am’. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said ‘It is 5:00am. Wake up’.

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common”. The husband says “Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick…”

MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening”.

MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband… “I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect – I definitely don’t want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up… I definitely want to have sex”.

MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says… “Okay but I have my rules about sex also… every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don’t want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer – I don’t give a toss about your hair!

MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

“Well” Ole replied to the assembled husbands “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!” The Pastor responded “Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary”. Ole proudly replied: “I’m a-gonna go get her!”

MARRIAGE (PART XII)

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. “Amazing. 66 years!” I said. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?” “Well” he replied “It’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions… and the woman just makes the little decisions”. “Really?” I responded. “Does that really work? “Oh yes” he said proudly. “66 years, and so far, not one big decision!”

“Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”…the woman asked her husband.

” No”…said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?

“No ..no, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar note… and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said.

“Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?”

“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).

“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..