1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’ 

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’ 

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’ 

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’ 

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god !! What have I just said??’ 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’ 

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’ 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.? 

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’ 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’ 

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. 

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, ‘These girl nights out have got to stop!  I’m starting to suspect the worst… My wife came home with no panties!!’  

‘That’s nothing,’ said the other husband,  ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said…… 

‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you!’ 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies, ‘I think that you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

‘My God, are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’ 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No…. I’m your son’s teacher’.
 

Little Johnny is a nasty little boy, you can never trust him on what his little dirty mind thinks.

Teacher: Johnny, if you answer this math problem correctly, I will give you extra credit.

Little Johnny: OK teacher

Teacher: Johnny, there is a hunter walking in the woods and comes across a telephone line with three little birdies on it…The hunter aims and shoots one of the little birdies……. how many are left…..?

Little johnny: None!

Teacher: Now johnny, the hunter saw three little birdies on the telephone wire and shot only one of them, now how many are left??

Little Johnny: None!

Teacher: Johnny, how can you come up with that answer?? Explain.

Little Johnny: Well….the hunter saw the three little birdies on the telephone wire, and shot one of them, but the other two birdies flew away because of the noise the gun made.

Teacher: Well Johnny, that is not quite the answer that I had in mind…..but I like the way you think.

Little Johnny: Well teacher I have a problem for you too.

Teacher (thinking ….I wonder what little Johnny will come up with ?)and responds by saying: OK tell me.

Little Johnny: Well, there are three teachers sitting on a park bench. They all have lolly pops in their hands. One is licking it, one is biting it, the other one is sucking on it…………which one was married??

Teacher (upset with this…red in the face states): ………ah….. er….. the one licking it.

Little Johnny: No! No! No!……the one with the wedding ring on her finger…………but I like the way you think!

Bob is a hard working guy who works long hours and splits his free time between his bowling league and his wife. On his 50th birthday his wife decides she’s going to do something extra special for him and take him to the strip club. So on his birthday she tells him “come on Bob, I’m taking you somewhere very special tonight” and they get in the car and go to the strip bar. When they get there the wife says “here we are…the strip bar!” and Bob goes “uh..umm..oh. Thats great honey, thanks…”

They walk up to the door and the bouncer goes “hey bob, how’s it going tonight?”
The wife gives Bob a ‘look’ and says “Bob have you been here before??!!!!” Bob says “no honey, this is Jim he’s on my bowling team.” So his wife says ok and they go inside.

The waitress comes over and says “the usual bud light bob?” Now his wife starts flipping out a little “I thought you said you’ve never been here!!! Are you LYING TO ME????” and Bob says nononono baby, this is Sandy, she also waits tables at the bowling alley. The wife says “oh…ok.”

Stripper comes over and says “Another lap dance tonight Bob?” The wife flips her lid, starts screaming and runs out of the bar. Bob chases her out and comes out the door just to see her jump into a cab and he jumps in after her. They’re sitting in the back of the cab and the wife is throwing every four letter word at him when the cab driver turns around and goes “jeez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!”

We regret that your application to join our online dating agency has been rejected.

One of the questions was:’What do you like most in a woman?’

‘My Dick’ is not considered an appropriate answer

The Global Facts … At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex ..

 Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading emails…

– You hang in there sunshine!