A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”

“No!” she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

A fat guy and his skinny buddy were showering in the gym.

The skinny guy asks “Dude, how long has it been since you saw your dick?”

The fat guy says, “I don’t know, it’s been a long time”

The skinny guy says, “Why don’t you diet”

The fat guy says, “Why, what color is it now?”

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’

The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?”

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, “I couldn’t help but notice” he said, “that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you,” she replied. “I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “black pepper.”

Nicholas escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the Convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

‘Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!’

His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.’

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am going to have a little dustbroom!!!’

‘IMPOSSIBLE !!’ said the groom broom. 

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

‘WE HAVEN’T EVENSWEPT TOGETHER!’