One of the most under-recognised roles in any parliament is that of Hansard Transcriber, the individual sits in the chamber logging each parliamentary debates or Committee meeting. It’s a modestly paid position, and in the shadow of a hung parliament there’s a demand for a substantial pay increase.

A senior Hansard Transcriber on staff at the Parliament of Australia has made a plaintive call for consideration of the future welfare of the critical job. Gwen Larkin, a transcriber of 41 years standing has taken the unusual step of speaking out publicly.

“Over the past decade, we’ve received the usual sort of pay rises that the rest of the staff get around the building,” Gwen said during a short interview at Tuggeranong McDonalds.

“But with what we’re looking at in the coming three years, we’re asking for a serious review of our role and the strain we’re under.”

When asked to identify the key stresses of the role, Gwen provided an impassioned list between sobs and a quick run to the toilet.

“In the last term we needed to transcribe the words of Ricky Muir, Glenn Lazarus and Jacquie Lambie. That pushed us close to the edge and we had to bring in some casual staff for the longer debates that these three were involved with. The level of concentration required was huge – there was more mangled English than a mixmaster instruction booklet,” Gwen said.

“Now we are faced with Lambie again, with the addition of a newly elected colleague on her team. We could have coped with that given Lazarus and Muir are gone, but instead we’ve gone from bogans to behemoths of language torture.”

Unable to continue in sentences for a period of time, we were able to glean from Gwen that the arrival of Pauline Hanson and Derryn Hinch in parliament has been the catalyst for the campaign for a 125% pay rise effective from the Senate’s next sitting day.

“We had modelled worst case scenarios of Molly Meldrum and Kyle Sandilands entering parliament, but we’d never considered a Hinch / Hanson / Lambie triumvirate. There’s not a lot that can make this worse, unless Barnaby Joyce increases his time speaking on the floor of the House. Or Shane Warne wins a seat in a by-election.”

When asked why the demands were purely financial, Gwen had a direct answer.

“It’s not about avoiding or reducing the work itself. We can’t expect the uninitiated to bear this burden. We’ve developed a level of adaptation to the more usual stresses such as Kim Carr’s shouting and Eric Abetz’s voice. We just want our roles remunerated appropriately so we don’t have to skimp on counselling or audiometry support.”

We contacted the Department of Parliamentary Services for comment, with a short statement provided in response:

The Department values greatly the role transcribers play in the Parliament of Australia. We also recognise the increased demands of the role but need to balance that with other staff who are experiencing similar issues.

Our Parliamentary Library staff will be facing significant increases in requests to compile proposed legislation into BuzzFeed photo galleries for simpler digestion. Our website team will be tackling the challenge of turning Pauline Hanson’s biography into something that doesn’t look like a ransom note scribbled in Nutella. Our cleaning staff are also preparing for a significant increase in leadership speculation-related carpet wear, food fights and abusive emails.

These issues all need to be taken into account within budgetary constraints and we look forward to working with all affected parties in coming weeks to come to a satisfactory resolution.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

In the minutes after the announcement of the Turnbull Government’s new front bench, former Education Minister Christopher Pyne made it clear he’d be hitting the ground running in his new portfolio of Industry, Innovation and Science.

“In the 48 hours since Malcolm Turnbull made it clear I was required to hold this critical portfolio together for the future of Australia, I’ve put together a comprehensive policy platform,” Mr Pyne advised.

“Policy is about outcomes and I’m confident that I’ve put some serious thought into that this week, which has formed the foundation of my three-point plan for the future of Australia which will be called Future Plan Australia.”

Mr Pyne went on to describe the three-point plan for the gathered press contingent.

“One – this country needs smart people to drive it forward and the only way to ensure that happens is the development of a white paper that looks at whether we need to provide more funding to education and science education in particular. It’s that sort of innovation Prime Minister Turnbull is passionate about and I intend on delivering it.”

“Two – as Science Minister I will be committed to the application of good governance practices in that field. My first action in this area will be to mandate bunsen burner licenses for all schools.”

“Finally, in the Industry portfolio I will be commissioning a task force to look at the productivity losses associated with politician press events being held in shops and factories. People like Mr Shorten who spend half their week creating photo opportunities with hard hats need to be held accountable for the impact they are having on productivity. Prime Minister Turnbull and I will be leading from the front on this issue, limiting business visits to galleries, antique shops and specialist coffee bean producers where productivity is never going to be feasible.”

When pressed, Mr Pyne was unable to give firm timeframes on the delivery of his plan, stating that Cabinet processes needed to now be worked through in full.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has surprised observers with his plans for further knighthoods later in 2015.

“I knew that Prince Phillip and his son Angus Houston would both be popular as the latest Knights in the Order of Australia, but even I was taken aback by the positive response,” Mr Abbott enthused.

“So after some compulsory consultation with my Chief of Staff, I’m pleased to announce there’ll be at least another five Knights or Dames before this year is out.”

According to the information provided by the PM’s office, the proposed new recipients of the recently reinstated gongs cover a range of states, professions and ages:

1. Jack Sorenson, retired taxi driver from Mildura VIC: for services to Boat Stopping and miscellaneous casual racism.

2. Janet Devondale, community stalwart from Vaucluse NSW: for regular conversations with friends that reinforce racial stereotypes.

3. Tarquin Rocheford, Senior Financial Analyst from Medindie SA: for ingrained amusement at the lack of ambition of retail workers – or anyone without a Masters degree.

4. Lola Graham, Small Business Manager from Bulimba QLD: for regular trips to Bali without any absorption of Balinese culture or rudimentary understanding of the Indonesian archipelago.

5. Ian Rappaport, volunteer letter-writer from Applecross WA: for dedicated support in spite of significant geographic isolation, of independent media opinion as exemplified by Andrew Bolt, Janet Albrechtsen and Alan Jones.

Mr Abbott also was at pains to emphasise the consultative nature of the appointments. “There will always be cynics saying these knighthoods and dameships are just rewards for old friends and supporters. The five people we’ve mentioned today have put that idea to rest. I only consider two of these people friends and only three are members of the LNP. This is a process correctly above politics, just like ABC board and High Court appointments.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter