A US-based manufacturer of adapters and dongles for Apple products has come out today expressing concern at the direction Apple has taken in recent years with constantly superseding ports that the majority of users actually use.

Ed Faroun, CEO of Advanced Workflow Systems, admits that business has never been better but sees the millions of extra revenue as a bitter pill to swallow.

CEO, wine lover and global citizen: Ed Haroun

“We’ve grown from a team of 4 to more than 3000 on the back of Apple removing ports from their devices,” Faroun said. “Firewire is what really kicked us off, but the format swap of iPad and iPhone cables is what made us huge. We’re actually projecting nearly 100% growth in the next year once headphone jacks, USB-A ports and SD card slots all disappear. If the rumours are true and Apple go with SCSI Mk 2 as the next standard we may end up with profits close to Apple’s. It’s great financially but I can’t help but think Apple has lost its focus.”

When quizzed on why a company that is raking in billions would complain, Faroun’s response was emphatic.

“I go to bed at night contemplating two things. The first is how far can this go? Think of how many millions of devices will need to be discarded outright, let alone the tens of millions of adapters we’re selling now. It has a big impact on the environment. Add to that my concern over the environmental impact of me buying a fourth house and a second plane and it really starts to look like Apple are going down a path they’ll regret. And at the end of the day, I don’t see my legacy as being the guy who helped make desks the most cluttered in history.”

When pressed, Haroun offered some advice to Apple.

“Apple needs someone to make it great again. I hear someone may soon be looking for a job that tried to make America great. Could he do that bad a job at Apple?”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

34 year-old Justin Marburg is a recent dad, with his fiancee Siobhan Lemaire giving birth to their first child Mia earlier in the year.Since that time Justin has discovered a latent interest in what he calls Elite Street Walking.

“One afternoon I was sitting at home devoting myself to spending quality time with Mia, when I realised I could be doing something to set the family up for life.”

Within 90 seconds, Justin had left the house, returning briefly to put some shoes on and then starting his first Elite Street Walk.

“Before I knew it, I’d been walking around the neighbourhood for two hours.I felt great and felt part of the community. Within a week of doing this, I was up to three hours an evening and half a dozen other blokes were out there with me for all or part of it.”

Justin is now working on an Elite Street Walking franchise scheme. “I’ve had enquiries from men of all ages, but mostly new dads and recently retired men, all wanting to put as much into the idea as they could.”

The franchise scheme is expected to be launched early in the new year, after Justin recuperates from some unexpected surgery.

“Siobhan suffers from involuntary muscle contractions since giving birth. As I walked in the door last week, unfortunately the hand she was using to cut up vegetables for Mia’s pureed dinner, spasmed quite badly. Thankfully the knife hit a rib though.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

In what is believed to be a first, a pub has offered a meal for kids that doesn’t contain chips.

In direct contravention of the guidelines developed by the World Pub Food Governance Authority, hotelier Frank Dixon is offering a small portion of Chicken Caesar Salad on his pub’s menu for kids.

“We thought it’d be something different to offer a meal that wasn’t chicken schnitzel and chips, spaghetti bolognese and chips or fish and chips.”

When asked of the reaction to the menu addition, Dixon was ambivalent.

“The punters seem to appreciate the option, with at least one in fifty ordering it. It’s the death threats from the other local pubs that I didn’t fully expect.”

Dixon’s anger at his competitors is based on the perception of self-interest.

“They’re all bloody hypocrites – Jimmy Wallace over at The Royal offers grilled chicken and sweet potato wedges. He claims it’s within the guidelines for chicken and chips but he knows he’s in the wrong.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

With the increasing prevalence of ‘work from home’ options for a lot of employees, new social customs are evolving as people adjust to the more isolated working environment. Some love the arrangement, others less so. We found one person who isn’t enjoying the solitary working life.

Dwayne Forthwright is a business analyst for a tractor logistics firm and has been home-based for more than four years.

“When I first started working from home, I loved the increased freedom of eating lunch when I wanted and being able to use a toilet that didn’t have someone else’s body excretions smeared on the wall. But the novelty of that soon wore off.”

Dwayne claims the lack of social interaction and the requirement of daily self-discipline extracts a deep psychological toll.

“Others had warned me that within three months I’d be sitting at my desk in underwear, touting a beard. In reality I’ve devolved to that and worse. At 10.30 each morning I get the trembles of excitement at being able to walk into the kitchen and share my morning with the budgie. I’ve started echo-proofing the toilet so I can sit in there on teleconferences without giving myself away.”

When asked if he could see a resolution to the downward spiral he seemed to be on, Dwayne was fatalistic.

“I’m on a first name basis with the Jehovah Witnesses that canvas my street. I’ve started bagging and boarding the Watchtower magazines they supply and am buying back issues via Ebay. I can’t see how much lower I can go.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter