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Anti-Abbott Protest Organisers In A Creative Rut

May 18, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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With the Abbott Government’s policies being as popular as a school diarrhoea milkshake program, there’s been numerous local and nationally coordinated protests. At the national level there was the highly successful March in March, and then the just completed March in May. As popular as these have been, the teamwork shown in the organisation of these events has started to fray around the edges, as disagreements over the branding of the marches comes to the fore.

One member of the organising committee claims three meetings have occurred this week, all running into the early hours of the morning.

The tide of dissent grows but unfortunately remains vuvuzela free

The tide of dissent grows but unfortunately remains vuvuzela free

“It’s been insane,” the architecture student and activist said. “March in March made sense and was catchy as well, but March in May has no zing at all. Some really good suggestions have been shot down by the majority, who seem determined to make the organisation as beige as everything else in this country. There’s serious talk of the next one being March in July. I’ve seen better marketing strategies for asbestos.”

When pressed on suggestions that had been vetoed, our source provided a small list of her faction’s picks for each month:

  • Go Ape in April
  • Mass Misbehaviour in May
  • Jettison The Government In June
  • Jarring Juxtaposition of Joe’s Juvenile Jurisdiction in July
  • Arse Abbott’s Austerity  in August
  • Shutdown in September
  • Oppose and Object in October
  • Neuter Nonsensical Nihilistic and Narcissistic Non-Equality in November
  • Determined Drumming and Devastating Defence of Democracy in December

When contacted for comment, the official spokesperson for the loose coalition of activists, academics and recently unemployed ALP staffers that organise the marches, released a short statement.

“We have repeatedly told John Singleton, Clive Palmer and Karl Stefanovic that we don’t have the money to pay for their ridiculous branding suggestions, and even if we did we’d probably spend it on something more worthwhile. A shipping container of vuvuzelas would be a good start.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

[Pic via @Jsalmonupstream]

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School Chaplain Angry At Media Stereotypes

May 16, 2014 by 2 Comments

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With the Abbott Government announcing a substantial increase in funding for the National School Chaplaincy Programme, there’s at least one chaplain not happy with the news.

Graham Stafford, a part-time chaplain at a public school in Central Queensland, is fuming at the portrayal of his profession in the mainstream media.

“Some in the media seem to think we’re evangelical obsessives, determined to ram the Bible’s teachings down the throat of every child in the school. It’s an unfair stereotype that doesn’t take into account the other half of our job.”

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School Chaplain Graham Stewart

Mr Stewart, an experienced youth pastor and Australian convenor of the Amy Grant Fan Congregation, provided a list of other tasks undertaken in his role.

“No-one sees the behind the scenes work we do. Exorcisms, high dusting and Jehovah Witness-proofing are just three examples,” Mr Stewart said.

School Principal Janet McGorrie has also added her support. “Graham is an invaluable resource to this school and I can vouch for the increased education outcomes the school has delivered since his employment. One of Graham’s key roles is to go down to the staff room five minutes before the end of lunch. Without fail that staff room is cleared out within thirty seconds, with all staff in their classrooms ready to teach when the bell goes.”

P&C President Jim Staff is less convinced. “Graham’s a lovely bloke and his heart’s in the right place, but I think the twenty plus thousand dollars spent on him could be used for other things within the school. We’ve set a 2014 goal of raising fifty thousand dollars for a range of better facilities. Non-shitty gifts for the mothers and fathers day stalls, a copy of The Adventures of Mr Pink Whistle for every child and an underground car park for the Principal are our priorities. Being able to put the chaplaincy money towards that would be a huge help.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Government Slams Public Service Perception Of Entitlement

May 16, 2014 by Leave a Comment
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The exodus begins for Canberra’s public servants

Finance Minister Mathias Cormann has hit back at criticisms that his government have not factored in the redundancy costs for the increased number of public servants now facing the axe after this week’s Budget.

“The Age of Entitlement is over, as has been made very clear this week,” Cormann emphasised.

“Remember, these people are public servants. There has been way too much emphasis on the public side of the equation and too little attention to the servant side. That will be changing and we know the Australian people will understand these are decisions that have had to be taken.”

When asked about the basic rights any employee enjoys, Cormann was unrepentant. “These people have essentially been on a holiday since Kevin Rudd got his claws out of them. They should consider the last 9 months as entitlements in lieu and leave it at that.”

Under repeated questioning from those assembled, Cormann was visibly strained and ended the press conference promptly when it became apparent no-one was going to ask a question that gave him the option of replying ‘I’ll be back”.

[Picture source]

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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