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Apple Consider Abu Dhabi for WWDC 2015

June 3, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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A visibly angry Apple CEO has hinted that its Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) may have a seismic shift in location. Tim Cook, who has helmed the tech behemoth since Steve Jobs’ passing, had one hand half clenched – the angriest body language ever witnessed.

The focus of his fury is the perceived hijacking of the significant announcements on iOS 8 and OSX Yosemite, by the leak of 45 photos from the set of Star Wars Episode VII, currently shooting in Abu Dhabi.

“How vacuous has the world become, where announcements on technology that outpaces anything Star Wars lore has ever come up with, is overtaken by some bad quality photos taken on a non-iPhone,” Mr Cook fumed.

sw-7-14-480w“There’s not one Death Star in those damn pics, but we just announced stuff that will kill half the cloud services in the known universe. And nil reportage of a million voices crying out in terror.”

When prompted on what a popular culture icon the Star Wars franchise has become, Cook was dismissive.

“We’ll see how iconic they are after we hit Abu Dhabi with a full sci-fi themed WWDC next year. And if JJ Abrams thinks his free iCloud storage limit expansion is continuing, he’s in for a hell of a surprise.”

“Oh and one other thing: are they calling this movie Star Wars: Return to Shelbyville? If that’s not a half-built monorail in a bunch of those those pics, I’ll eat an Android phone.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Work from Home Employee Sick of Self

May 31, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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With the increasing prevalence of ‘work from home’ options for a lot of employees, new social customs are evolving as people adjust to the more isolated working environment. Some love the arrangement, others less so. We found one person who isn’t enjoying the solitary working life.

Dwayne Forthwright is a business analyst for a tractor logistics firm and has been home-based for more than four years.

AA022179“When I first started working from home, I loved the increased freedom of eating lunch when I wanted and being able to use a toilet that didn’t have someone else’s body excretions smeared on the wall. But the novelty of that soon wore off.”

Dwayne claims the lack of social interaction and the requirement of daily self-discipline extracts a deep psychological toll.

“Others had warned me that within three months I’d be sitting at my desk in underwear, touting a beard. In reality I’ve devolved to that and worse. At 10.30 each morning I get the trembles of excitement at being able to walk into the kitchen and share my morning with the budgie. I’ve started echo-proofing the toilet so I can sit in there on teleconferences without giving myself away.”

When asked if he could see a resolution to the downward spiral he seemed to be on, Dwayne was fatalistic.

“I’m on a first name basis with the Jehovah Witnesses that canvas my street. I’ve started bagging and boarding the Watchtower magazines they supply and am buying back issues via Ebay. I can’t see how much lower I can go.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Star Wars Episode VII Caterer Feeling The Pressure

May 27, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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With shooting underway on Episode VII of the Star Wars franchise, the pressure has started to build on all involved. That pressure has already started to show for catering assistant Jeff Revan. A Star Wars fan of more than thirty years standing, Revan is not living the dream he’d envisioned as an employee of Lionel Savant Catering Services.

“Back in 2007 when I quit my job as a lawyer to get my catering qualification, it was part of my long-range plan to be involved in this movie.Who wouldn’t do that for the chance to be a part of history. What I didn’t realise was the direct impact I’d be having on the movie, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.”

Visibly shaken and emotional, Mr Revan outlined his first two weeks on set.

“The first couple of days it was great, seeing the smiles on the faces of production staff at the end of a nice lunch. Then one of the actors with a walk on line or two  made some off the cuff comment like ‘I hope those nachos are top notch Bill, my scene is shooting this afternoon’. It’s then I realised that if the nachos weren’t good, he may only give 95% in his performance and I’ll be responsible for it forever.”

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Never has one stir-fry counted for so much

Revan went on at extreme length outlining the depth to which the original three movies had been analysed over the decades, with PhD theses on topics as varied as ‘The Epistemology of Bespin Political Oligarchy in The Empire Strikes Back’ and ‘Stormtroopers and Ewoks: Comic Relief or Fundamental Pedagogical Construct?’.

“My biggest fear is that I have one of the central characters come in for lunch when I’m serving. One less-than-stellar quinoa stroganoff supplied to Harrison or Carrie, and I spend the rest of my life seeing my work excoriated online. The caterers who worked on The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith have never worked in the industry again.”

When asked if he’d considered leaving the caterer, Revan’s answer was immediate.

“It’s too late for that. I spent the last year building up a Facebook page and Twitter profile as Sith Chef of Death Jeff. I’ve just got to make sure I do the best I can with the food. If someone gets food poisoning I just hope it’s one of the Gungans from the scenes they’re shooting next week.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Filed Under: Film, The Snark Tagged With: ,

Game of Thrones Fans Create Anti-Death Fund for George R.R. Martin

May 21, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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In what’s considered the biggest collaboration in human history, millions of Game of Thrones fans have kicked in money for an Anti-Death Fund, designed to maximise the life expectancy of creator George R.R. Martin.

The ‘George R.R. United Fighting Fund’ or GRUFF for short, is the brainchild of Jamen Staff, who outlined progress to date.

“The real Game of Thrones fans, those who’ve read the books before the show arrived, have traditionally seen the casual TV show fans as minions of the Seven Hells determined to distract George from his true mission in life. It’s their vacuous squealing over each episode that’s meant George has been distracted with the TV shows at the expense of the books. As a group, the true fans have generally agreed to put that behind us, and to work with the TV fan kidlets to protect the future of both the books and TV series.”

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GRUFF founder Jamen Staff

Staff’s colleague, GRUFF treasurer Leanne ‘Iron Bank’ Williams, provided a thirty slide Powerpoint presentation on the money raised, which is in excess of five million dollars. “It’s been pretty easy to raise to be honest. With the show rating the way it is, random phone calls to people on a Monday morning work well. We state we’re calling from the Government and that we’ve noted the Sunday night Bit Torrent downloads they’ve been making. That tends to see spontaneous and generous donations.”

When asked why Mr. Martin needs the money given his success as an author, Ms Williams was frank. “He doesn’t, but we’re going to use the money to buy every business in his hometown. Each business will be staffed by members of the fund, all with access to George’s details so they can be sure that he maintains his health optimally. Just think of what we can do. We’ll control all food, transport and energy – we project that within six months he’ll be feeling the best he has in years. If that’s not fans caring, I don’t know what is.”

When asked what Mr Martin would think of this strategy, Jamen Staff was emphatic.

“It’s not about him – he’s just the currently unhealthy vessel for the eventually completed book series. If he finishes the last two books, he can do what he likes after that. Although there’s some who feel a prequel series would be nice, so I won’t rule out an ongoing campaign. Either way, once it’s all done we’ll sell up all the assets and donate them to the slaves of Westeros. It’s a great win-win situation.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Joe Hockey: I Was Never Popular Anyway

May 19, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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Treasurer Joe Hockey has responded defiantly to opinion poll results showing his Government’s popularity has plummeted. Fronting the press gallery in Canberra, Hockey put his usual case for the recent Budget decisions, but added some further comments.

“For those who’d criticise the decisions we’ve made, I’ll say two things.

First, I’m used to making unpopular decisions – a Treasurer by definition has to make tough decisions, and I’ve been in Treasurer roles since 1975, when I was on Milsons Point Dungeons and Dragons Enthusiasts Committee. There’s nothing you can throw at me now that didn’t happen when I stopped the purchase of the Spelljammer campaign.

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Joe Hockey (centre) gazes at his future: a mob of angry people coming to inflict their justice.

Second, I’m a son of a migrant. I have a tendency to being on the beefy side of the equation and used to wear a boater hat to my private school. Which parts of that equation do you think didn’t lead to the regular de-dakkings at the hand of the local yobs?”

When questioned by the media on what his childhood experiences had to do with the huge outcry against a range of the Budget measures, Hockey became even more animated.

“I made a pact back then, that I’d stand up for those who suffered for being different. This Budget does just that. It supports the minority of people who don’t think Two and a Half Men is quality TV, or those who try to get to the Opera and worry whether they’ll cop a rolling of the eyes from the busker at the bottom of the Opera House steps. I’m standing up for the hard working bloke who looks forward at the end of the week to a quiet video hook-up with their MBA buddies from University to compare careers and discuss mergers and acquisitions. Or the successful female executive who wastes an hour a day in airports pushing past hordes of bogans migrating to the next capital city’s discount warehouse precinct.

These people are the true underclass in our country and I’m proud to be addressing their long-standing grievances. I’ve been inundated from these people with messages of thanks for finally standing up for them, and if the odd person who takes pleasure in giving wedgies to kids in boaters happens to be on Newstart Allowance, then so be it.”

When pressed about whether he still played Dungeons and Dragons, Hockey admitted to still trotting out his Human Wizard for a game with Stephen Conroy during parliamentary sitting weeks.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Anti-Abbott Protest Organisers In A Creative Rut

May 18, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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With the Abbott Government’s policies being as popular as a school diarrhoea milkshake program, there’s been numerous local and nationally coordinated protests. At the national level there was the highly successful March in March, and then the just completed March in May. As popular as these have been, the teamwork shown in the organisation of these events has started to fray around the edges, as disagreements over the branding of the marches comes to the fore.

One member of the organising committee claims three meetings have occurred this week, all running into the early hours of the morning.

The tide of dissent grows but unfortunately remains vuvuzela free

The tide of dissent grows but unfortunately remains vuvuzela free

“It’s been insane,” the architecture student and activist said. “March in March made sense and was catchy as well, but March in May has no zing at all. Some really good suggestions have been shot down by the majority, who seem determined to make the organisation as beige as everything else in this country. There’s serious talk of the next one being March in July. I’ve seen better marketing strategies for asbestos.”

When pressed on suggestions that had been vetoed, our source provided a small list of her faction’s picks for each month:

  • Go Ape in April
  • Mass Misbehaviour in May
  • Jettison The Government In June
  • Jarring Juxtaposition of Joe’s Juvenile Jurisdiction in July
  • Arse Abbott’s Austerity  in August
  • Shutdown in September
  • Oppose and Object in October
  • Neuter Nonsensical Nihilistic and Narcissistic Non-Equality in November
  • Determined Drumming and Devastating Defence of Democracy in December

When contacted for comment, the official spokesperson for the loose coalition of activists, academics and recently unemployed ALP staffers that organise the marches, released a short statement.

“We have repeatedly told John Singleton, Clive Palmer and Karl Stefanovic that we don’t have the money to pay for their ridiculous branding suggestions, and even if we did we’d probably spend it on something more worthwhile. A shipping container of vuvuzelas would be a good start.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

[Pic via @Jsalmonupstream]

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